Earnest Money

By now, everyone in range is very concerned that North Korea might celebrate a National Holiday by launching another ICBM to keep UnPak’s promises. Recent firings have been testing and improving each ICBM’s capacity to carry a thermonuclear warhead and missile range. Current analysts say the data from previous launches show the missiles could cover a large portion of the UDASS, when they work as intended.

On the news media, false and otherwise, Stumpf repeated his inarticulate rebuttals by tweeting that a military action is “definitely” a possibility. Queeg, even Nogo and Dash and the rest of his diminishing administrative team chimed in to offer their still committed but flimsy support. One unnamed senior official said under the cloak of anonymity that the UDASS was still measuring the last underground explosion but so far found nothing inconsistent with UnPak’s claim.

“Military would certainly be an option,” Stumpf announced to his favorite news sources. Positioning himself for any future remedial denials or verbal retreat tweets he continued with, “I would prefer not going military, but it could happen.”

When asked if he might be able to foresee a situation in which UnPak had nuclear capabilities for peaceful purposes and self protection and agreed not to use them to attack other nations like his predecessor had negotiated with Iran, Stumpf sidestepped the hypothetical with, “I don’t let my opponents see what I’ve got under the table, like previous presidents. I don’t talk about my options, but I tell you UnPak is acting weird and I’m going to fix it,” he said.

At the same time, North Korea changed its long-range launches by firing yet another missile over the North Pacific. Dum Dong UnPak called the launch “ a beautiful Overture to a Ballet of Boom” that he might need to limit UDASS maneuvers in the Asian-Pacific arena.

Meanwhile, Estonia, The Gambia, Burkina Faso and Tajikistan urged citizens to not make any unnecessary trips to North Korea.

 

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